Growth's Purgatory
I've wanted to write this for a long time. What this is? I'm not quite sure. From what I've gathered so far, at least some of it is fueled by fear. Fear, a word I wish I could confidently say wasn't in my vocabulary. I concept that I have realized has been fueling too many of my adult decisions. Fear, something that has lined the insides of my being and continuously blocked blessing after blessing in my life. The current demon that I consistently and constantly attempt to pray away. Every small step forward is a progress to be celebrated. Shaky steps they may be...at least they're slowly moving forward.
I remember being a version of myself that was led by optimism and best case scenarios. I'm grateful she's still in there somewhere, but the older I get the higher the consequences. The smarter I become, the more I wish I knew before I made some very expensive mistakes.
No one told me that with self-care and healing would also come the mourning.
I mourn the decisions I made, the men I loved and the chances I didn't take because, although it was disguised as many things, fear and fear alone kept me from doing better, expecting better, demanding better and simply living. The consequence, my present. A present that is consumed with overwhelming amounts of guilt and shame. Feeling stupid and like I don't deserve to claim to be as smart as I am. It can be suffocating and can add to the already neck deep of a hole I'm fighting so hard to climb out of. I'm still digging though...I have no choice.
I want to get my fears out of my head so that they can stop haunting me in my dreams and stripping me of focus. Mourning my past is stripping me of a present where I can fully embrace the growth and the newfound ability to love myself for the person I am and have always been. Even in my worst moments.
I wish I could be writing this from a place of triumph. But that would be a lie. I am not there yet. I'm still in the "fighting for my life" stages. I haven't "got over" just yet. But I can write this from a place of "but I ain't where I used to be." We celebrate the wins, wherever and however we can get them.
So here I am in the in between. Struggling to reconcile with fear and the place it has gotten me and attempting to celebrate the growth in my perspective. I am in the space between depression and optimism. At any given moment, I can run the spectrum. But I ain't where I used to be...and that's worth some grace.
I remember being a version of myself that was led by optimism and best case scenarios. I'm grateful she's still in there somewhere, but the older I get the higher the consequences. The smarter I become, the more I wish I knew before I made some very expensive mistakes.
No one told me that with self-care and healing would also come the mourning.
I mourn the decisions I made, the men I loved and the chances I didn't take because, although it was disguised as many things, fear and fear alone kept me from doing better, expecting better, demanding better and simply living. The consequence, my present. A present that is consumed with overwhelming amounts of guilt and shame. Feeling stupid and like I don't deserve to claim to be as smart as I am. It can be suffocating and can add to the already neck deep of a hole I'm fighting so hard to climb out of. I'm still digging though...I have no choice.
I want to get my fears out of my head so that they can stop haunting me in my dreams and stripping me of focus. Mourning my past is stripping me of a present where I can fully embrace the growth and the newfound ability to love myself for the person I am and have always been. Even in my worst moments.
I wish I could be writing this from a place of triumph. But that would be a lie. I am not there yet. I'm still in the "fighting for my life" stages. I haven't "got over" just yet. But I can write this from a place of "but I ain't where I used to be." We celebrate the wins, wherever and however we can get them.
So here I am in the in between. Struggling to reconcile with fear and the place it has gotten me and attempting to celebrate the growth in my perspective. I am in the space between depression and optimism. At any given moment, I can run the spectrum. But I ain't where I used to be...and that's worth some grace.
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