No More Fear
I've been on a personal journey to eliminate fear from my life. I'm grateful that I have such strong memories of my childhood and I remember being a somewhat fearless little girl with a HUGE imagination. There weren't many little girls my age on my block, so I often played with the boys. That meant lots of bike riding, sports playing, video games and tree climbing. Climbing trees wasn't something that I think I would have chosen for myself but my next door neighbor, who was a favorite playtime companion of mine, was always climbing something. I never wanted to seem like the 'scared little girl' so I often found myself climbing whatever he was. Before I knew it, we were in a tree or on a roof or something! If I ever felt any fear, it was normally when I was looking down or on our way down. Fear of falling and hurting myself mostly...and not even of the pain, of how I would look...(There's a word in there somewhere).
I go back to those memories now because I feel like God wants me to get over my fear of falling. Or in adulting terms, failing. When I think about it, I have failed OFTEN. Professionally, in relationships in finances...OFTEN. Dissecting and over-analyzing those failures has been the source of a lot of my depression and anxiety over the years. Yes, happy and always smiling Dré has had bouts of depression. Going down the "what if" rabbit hole is usually a trigger. I'm working on looking at those failures with a different lens though. I put off starting a blog for years because I was afraid mine wouldn't be as good as the ones that I'm a fan of. Or that what I had to talk about wasn't relevant. Or that my opinion on a relevant topic would just be drown out by more intelligent and important voices than mine. I didn't pursue a career as a professional dancer because I thought that I wasn't pretty enough to get jobs. I asked an ex to drive me to an audition once and straight up laughed at me. I still remember how hurt that made me feel. But what's the alternative then? Do I just sit here with all of these ideas and all of these dreams and just bury them? Staring at my TV and constantly thinking that I can do that or would LOVE to do that? Meanwhile wasting away and settling for tidbits of what I should really be doing.
I've been reminded of the Parable of the Talents in the Bible several times in the last few months and although I've always thought God gave me more than one, I think the fact that I haven't been able to multiply them is because I have gotten in the way! I haven't equated my faith in God with the very things and works He's gifted me with. I've been so worried about "not being good enough" that I've buried my talents in a lot of cases or have shrunk myself to not stand as boldly and confidently as I should. I've been standing next to or behind the light but rarely have stepped into it. Yet, God keeps shining it on me because He designed me to be drawn to it.
I recently heard a preacher say, what would we do if we simply KNEW we couldn't fail?
I've been sitting on that for a minute and really thinking about all of the "worst case scenarios" my big imagination can muster up. Then I often think about all of the times the "worst case scenario" occurred and how I've survived. How, although it wasn't always pretty or preferable, the "worst case scenario" didn't kill me. I go back to being a kid and riding my bike up a really rough hill. That work was hard, legs wobbling and tired. But that ride back down was mostly joyful, fun and exhilarating. But then I think of the times I lost control of the bike and fell clean off, scraping my knees and elbows. Some of those scrapes would bleed and leave scars. Some of those scars I still have today. All reminding me of a time I made a "mistake" but got up from it. I mentioned earlier that I've failed often in my life. Yet, I still find myself in a new city, a city where I can literally see and touch industries I want to be a part of. So although I can go around in circles about how I should've already been here. Or how I may have missed my opportunity, God still found a way to bring me to this specific place, at this specific time. The hustle isn't always fun...and I remember a version of me that would get so caught up in the day to day and surviving...that I wouldn't take a moment to look around. I'm looking around now. I'm focused on ripping the idea of fear away from my being and no longer "hoping" things work out. I'm knowing that they will. I'm not settling for things just "working out" either. I know that they will be abundantly more fulfilling than I can imagine. In order to get there though, I have to have that child-like fearlessness.
I'm rambling a bit now, but hey, that's what this blog is for. For me to exercise my writing muscles and work out all of these thoughts. What I do know is that something is going on inside of me. I feel like I'm turning a corner and whatever comes next, I'll be more equipt to handle it. #NoMoreFEAR
I go back to those memories now because I feel like God wants me to get over my fear of falling. Or in adulting terms, failing. When I think about it, I have failed OFTEN. Professionally, in relationships in finances...OFTEN. Dissecting and over-analyzing those failures has been the source of a lot of my depression and anxiety over the years. Yes, happy and always smiling Dré has had bouts of depression. Going down the "what if" rabbit hole is usually a trigger. I'm working on looking at those failures with a different lens though. I put off starting a blog for years because I was afraid mine wouldn't be as good as the ones that I'm a fan of. Or that what I had to talk about wasn't relevant. Or that my opinion on a relevant topic would just be drown out by more intelligent and important voices than mine. I didn't pursue a career as a professional dancer because I thought that I wasn't pretty enough to get jobs. I asked an ex to drive me to an audition once and straight up laughed at me. I still remember how hurt that made me feel. But what's the alternative then? Do I just sit here with all of these ideas and all of these dreams and just bury them? Staring at my TV and constantly thinking that I can do that or would LOVE to do that? Meanwhile wasting away and settling for tidbits of what I should really be doing.
I've been reminded of the Parable of the Talents in the Bible several times in the last few months and although I've always thought God gave me more than one, I think the fact that I haven't been able to multiply them is because I have gotten in the way! I haven't equated my faith in God with the very things and works He's gifted me with. I've been so worried about "not being good enough" that I've buried my talents in a lot of cases or have shrunk myself to not stand as boldly and confidently as I should. I've been standing next to or behind the light but rarely have stepped into it. Yet, God keeps shining it on me because He designed me to be drawn to it.
I recently heard a preacher say, what would we do if we simply KNEW we couldn't fail?
I've been sitting on that for a minute and really thinking about all of the "worst case scenarios" my big imagination can muster up. Then I often think about all of the times the "worst case scenario" occurred and how I've survived. How, although it wasn't always pretty or preferable, the "worst case scenario" didn't kill me. I go back to being a kid and riding my bike up a really rough hill. That work was hard, legs wobbling and tired. But that ride back down was mostly joyful, fun and exhilarating. But then I think of the times I lost control of the bike and fell clean off, scraping my knees and elbows. Some of those scrapes would bleed and leave scars. Some of those scars I still have today. All reminding me of a time I made a "mistake" but got up from it. I mentioned earlier that I've failed often in my life. Yet, I still find myself in a new city, a city where I can literally see and touch industries I want to be a part of. So although I can go around in circles about how I should've already been here. Or how I may have missed my opportunity, God still found a way to bring me to this specific place, at this specific time. The hustle isn't always fun...and I remember a version of me that would get so caught up in the day to day and surviving...that I wouldn't take a moment to look around. I'm looking around now. I'm focused on ripping the idea of fear away from my being and no longer "hoping" things work out. I'm knowing that they will. I'm not settling for things just "working out" either. I know that they will be abundantly more fulfilling than I can imagine. In order to get there though, I have to have that child-like fearlessness.
I'm rambling a bit now, but hey, that's what this blog is for. For me to exercise my writing muscles and work out all of these thoughts. What I do know is that something is going on inside of me. I feel like I'm turning a corner and whatever comes next, I'll be more equipt to handle it. #NoMoreFEAR
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