Smiling THROUGH a Season...
One of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me was...
I've indeed had many bad days. I've had bad months. Bad years even. I'm currently in an extremely uncomfortable season. It's not my first, but man its doing a number on me. I think the difference between this particular season and difficult ones I've had in the past is the level of awareness I have within it. I told my Friend through tears and what feels like a never ending headache, that I'm PRAYING that this is THAT part of the story where it gets super low, all these bad things keep happening and right when I feel like I can't do it anymore...BOOM, God comes through with the blessing that changes everything. I really do pray that I'm in that part of the story. I've felt tired for a really long time now. I've felt like I've worked so hard and tried to do the right things and be smart enough and pretty enough that it's got to work out for my good at some point...right? I've also flirted with the idea that maybe my place in this world doesn't include the blessings I keep praying for. In that case, I just pray that I can get some semblance of contentment in knowing what I'm supposed to do and where I'm supposed to be going. I struggle with second guessing my decisions and thinking that every bad thing that happens is a punishment for a wrong decision I made. I'm in an extremely humbling place right now and I'm trying my hardest to smile through the season. It's honestly the only thing I can do. I can see how everything that has happened this year could work out positively. I just need the stamina to get there.
If I've learned anything in my adulthood so far, it's that the worst days are just that...
I really want to learn how to consistently be happy even in the midst of everything going wrong. I also want to try to find a way to truly believe that the bad things just happen. They don't happen because of something I've done necessarily, they just happen. I feel behind and like a disappointment. I'm not saying that to make anyone feel bad for me either. I say that so that someone can see me, and this big smile that I will always have and understand that life sucks sometimes. And on the days it sucks the most, sometimes all you can do is put on your shield and get to work on surviving the day. Mine just so happens to be a smile...yours can be anything.
"Dré, you smile like you've never had a bad day."
That has stayed with me because other than knowing that I have a big grin, I never really looked at my smile until that moment. At that moment, my smile became the one thing physically that I really liked and found attractive. That was something I needed in that moment too, because then, I was knee deep in my struggles with negative self-esteem and image. It has now become a self-indicator for me. Something I self-check to make sure is still right. I can feel when my smile isn't right & as corny as that might sound, it has helped me really look at myself and try to be better. ....always trying to better.
I've indeed had many bad days. I've had bad months. Bad years even. I'm currently in an extremely uncomfortable season. It's not my first, but man its doing a number on me. I think the difference between this particular season and difficult ones I've had in the past is the level of awareness I have within it. I told my Friend through tears and what feels like a never ending headache, that I'm PRAYING that this is THAT part of the story where it gets super low, all these bad things keep happening and right when I feel like I can't do it anymore...BOOM, God comes through with the blessing that changes everything. I really do pray that I'm in that part of the story. I've felt tired for a really long time now. I've felt like I've worked so hard and tried to do the right things and be smart enough and pretty enough that it's got to work out for my good at some point...right? I've also flirted with the idea that maybe my place in this world doesn't include the blessings I keep praying for. In that case, I just pray that I can get some semblance of contentment in knowing what I'm supposed to do and where I'm supposed to be going. I struggle with second guessing my decisions and thinking that every bad thing that happens is a punishment for a wrong decision I made. I'm in an extremely humbling place right now and I'm trying my hardest to smile through the season. It's honestly the only thing I can do. I can see how everything that has happened this year could work out positively. I just need the stamina to get there.
If I've learned anything in my adulthood so far, it's that the worst days are just that...
I really want to learn how to consistently be happy even in the midst of everything going wrong. I also want to try to find a way to truly believe that the bad things just happen. They don't happen because of something I've done necessarily, they just happen. I feel behind and like a disappointment. I'm not saying that to make anyone feel bad for me either. I say that so that someone can see me, and this big smile that I will always have and understand that life sucks sometimes. And on the days it sucks the most, sometimes all you can do is put on your shield and get to work on surviving the day. Mine just so happens to be a smile...yours can be anything.
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