The Struggle
I looked out at all of my problems, took a deep breath and wondered, maybe I deserve this. Maybe I deserve every heartbreak and disappointment. Although my intentions were good, maybe my perception was off.
I'm struggling to tackle is this constant feeling that I have failed. There are several versions of my story that would have looked like "success" to me and I am currently living none of them. Even writing that last sentence, I have an internal voice that is telling me to be positive and that everything happens for a reason and that it's gonna be alright in the end. I'm grateful for those voices, both internal and external. Screaming and crying about my failures only feels good in the moment because I hold them in so much...but in the end, it just makes me feel more depressed and the hole gets deeper. Just more work for me to struggle out of.
The source of a lot of my feelings is that I feel like I owe my family more. They worked so hard to give me a childhood and as many tools as possible to succeed and here I am STILL not able to return on their investment. They love and support me more than I could ever dream, and here I am STILL struggling. It needs to be said that they have never put that pressure on me. This is just something that I have always wanted to do. I'm the oldest sibling, everything I did was to hopefully put myself in a position to be able to help make their dreams more obtainable. Yet, here I am, worse off financially than I've EVER been and mentally fighting for my sanity. My right mind is needed to get out of this and my creatively is dying with each tear I cry. It's like I'm living two realities and I have zero idea of how to make the one where I love myself and feel good about myself and am confident in my abilities be LOUDER than the "realist" who keeps saying "really? If all that's true, why are you in debt? Why are you still single? Why are you living on your friend's couch? check to check hoping for a miracle?"
I'm constantly fighting through it is what it is'es and keep the faith, something incredible is on the way, mindsets. Minute by minute...this indeed is #theStruggle
I'm struggling to tackle is this constant feeling that I have failed. There are several versions of my story that would have looked like "success" to me and I am currently living none of them. Even writing that last sentence, I have an internal voice that is telling me to be positive and that everything happens for a reason and that it's gonna be alright in the end. I'm grateful for those voices, both internal and external. Screaming and crying about my failures only feels good in the moment because I hold them in so much...but in the end, it just makes me feel more depressed and the hole gets deeper. Just more work for me to struggle out of.
The source of a lot of my feelings is that I feel like I owe my family more. They worked so hard to give me a childhood and as many tools as possible to succeed and here I am STILL not able to return on their investment. They love and support me more than I could ever dream, and here I am STILL struggling. It needs to be said that they have never put that pressure on me. This is just something that I have always wanted to do. I'm the oldest sibling, everything I did was to hopefully put myself in a position to be able to help make their dreams more obtainable. Yet, here I am, worse off financially than I've EVER been and mentally fighting for my sanity. My right mind is needed to get out of this and my creatively is dying with each tear I cry. It's like I'm living two realities and I have zero idea of how to make the one where I love myself and feel good about myself and am confident in my abilities be LOUDER than the "realist" who keeps saying "really? If all that's true, why are you in debt? Why are you still single? Why are you living on your friend's couch? check to check hoping for a miracle?"
I'm constantly fighting through it is what it is'es and keep the faith, something incredible is on the way, mindsets. Minute by minute...this indeed is #theStruggle
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